Jan. 23, 2013. I had a pretty mfuccn awesum day! I woke up peacefully after talking with carol. Vonnypoo txted me and she wanted to bum it all day so we did! We smoke along wit Zuleyka and went to mile square park. I packed us some fruit and peanut butter yumm! We watched the ducks, pelicans, seagulls and geese lol we discovered some of the black ducks ate the bigger duck’s shit! Lol I can’t tolerate B.S. not today. I’m an emotional train wreck…I might not know what to think right now. I feel alone but I’ve been in this situation before. I know what to do now so it’s not as scary as it was the first time. I broke down “in love we trust” and I totally get it now. It’s such a beautiful song I love it! Never been able to smile with no make up on and this is a first in years! At least i managed to go back to my normal self in some way. Next mission would be cutting of the cigarettes..tah-tah for now!
PEASE AND CARROTS
Today is jan. 7, 2013 and it felt like a dream. Wish it didn’t end cuz who knows what will happen tomorrow…I don’t wanna even start thinking of it. I loved tonight being with her. It just kinda felt as if I was going back and forth with her bc she’d snap at me but I knoww the real her. I know she ain’t what she says she’s become. I’m determined to get back what’s mine. Idc how long it takes me!
Today is Jan 4 2013.
Ever since I changed my hair color, I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback. I’ve also gotten shit like, “oh who you tryna look like now?” My answer is simple. I’m trying to look like ME. Yajaira Gurrola…I wanna be myself again. To be honest, I am feelin like back to my old self. I’m not trying to “dress to impress” cuz why do I wanna dress like a thousand dollar doll when I’m a broke ass girl. I wanna go back to baseball tees and chucks I wanna be more active and less driving and smoking. I’ve been sober for a month now and have not craved it…I’m alright. I feel good…it’s a slow process but I will reach my old self. This year I will live by “let it be” I’m not gonna humiliate myself or downgrade myself for no one. If they don’t want me the first time I try to be with them, then they ain’t gonna change their mind the second time. If I was worth it, then it would only take the first time around. I wanna build myself emotionally again. I wanna be as happy as I was before I started dating. Before all the heart breaks and the childish shit I did. I ain’t perfect and I’ve made decisions in which Ive hurt people along the way, but I’m only human and I’m learnin from my mistakes. My mind, heart and soul belongs to a perfectly imperfect girl. I love her with her flaws and all and although she has “changed” I know that the girl I fell in love with is still there. I’m not tryna win her back because I did what I could in my hands to get her back…it wasn’t enough for her and she deserves better. I’m okay knowing she’s happy and back up in her dating game again. I know she will find someone who will appreciate her and love her immensely because she deserves that. She once told me “God made you for me, but He didn’t make me for you.” She’s wrong…she made both of our souls for one another, but I was too stupid to see. God never made a perfect person an I’m definitely not close to being perfect. I’m a wreck lol. Although her feelings are not there anymore for me, I still have faith that if it’s bound to happen that her and I end up together then it will happen on it’s own….ill just let it be.
So it’s Friday, December 28, 2012 and my bestfriend comes to my house at 6 in the morning! I couldn’t sleep lastnight and I ended up going to bed at around three in the morning so yes…I’m pretty fucking tired. I needed to come with her to get her first Tattoo for moral support. As I sit here, I see the transformation of an outline flourish into this beautiful picture. I’m sure it means a lot to her since she was the one who chose it. Because of this I’m being persuaded into getting one myself. But what was I gonna get? That was the real question. I had something set in mind because if I ever get a tattoo I want something I can relate to, or an icon that correlates to an event in my life. I wanted something floral. And the cherry blossom tree looks amazing BUT that is not the way to my Spanish roots. As a child, I rememeber when I used to live with my grandma in Mexico that in every fall, these beautiful magenta flowers would bloomed. They didn’t look like flowers tho but I was enchanted by their odd beauty. I feel that if I ever got those flower tatted on me I would cherish it for a life time. Those flowers represent me. It defines me; simply because I’m different. I don’t follow the crowd I guide my own way. They don’t bloom in the spring they bloom while the rest of the flowers begin to die. I may not be the prettiest or the “baddest bitch” with a good body but my heart is worth more than stupid likes on Facebook or heart on Instagram. My intelligence speaks out as well. Those flower do not look like flowers, they don’t even have normal petals and they are rough all around but their color is what defines them. That’s their beauty, and as coming from a Mexican family, those flowers are used for medicinal purposes as well. They are perfect to be on my body. Aside of representing me, it brings me back to my childhood memories of when I was a little girl, about four to be exact, and all I did every after noon til sunset I would get a broom, stand by that flower tree and sing my little heart out rain or shine.